My Father
What would I give to clasp his hand,
His happy face to see,
To hear his voice, and see his smile
That meant so much to me.
The rolling stream of life rolls on,
But still the vacant chair
Recalls the love, the voice, the smile
Of the one who once sat there.
Nothing can ever take away
The love a heart holds dear.
Fond memories linger every day,
Remembrance keeps him near.
Author Unknown
January has approached and with that comes the dreaded month of an anniversary I don't celebrate and a date I try not to remember. January 23rd, forever ingrained in my soul as one of the worst days of my life. A black cloud that covers my heart and brings about emotion that I have worked hard to get through in a healthy way for 3 long years. The reality is the feelings of missing my father are always there, the ache of wanting his advice, or to have him visit my son never go away, but for some reason as the anniversary approaches the feelings become more suffocating and I long for February to be here.
I have been asked before how I handled or still handle a loss so severe. Yes, a lot of people lose parents and loved ones, but each person's grief is their own journey. One day at a time. I have no specific advice because there is no correct way to grieve and heal. There are no secrets or magic to take the pain away more quickly. When friends have lost someone dear to them I merely reach out and say I am here, because no words seem appropriate, and the wrong words cause more pain. To many outside eyes I am fine, I was strong and still am. But to those dear to me or even to strangers having been through something similar --- they know fine is a term the strong use when they feel weak. In a lot of areas of my life I wear my heart on my sleeve, I openly express my love of family and friendship and the meaning it brings to my life, my fitness passion, my son and husband, my downfalls, etc -- but grief is something that is private for me, and just because I don't talk about it does not mean I don't feel it deeply. Grief is something I do not want to explain to people who cannot understand and to people who fully get it, no explanation is needed!
"When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways -- either by losing hope and falling into self destructive habits or by using the challenge to find our inner strength." Dalai Lama
It didn't happen over night, but somewhere along the line I made the choice to live my life remembering my dad daily. While I don't talk about it openly unless asked, for the pain is raw, I truly want to live a happy, loving life as a tribute to his memory. My father would want nothing less for me. I know he was and is proud of me. I choose to keep the memories alive, and remember him for all he was to me. It is not fair that my dad died so young, but it is reality and as we know life is not fair. I don't want to live in sadness and bitterness -- the death of someone dear to your heart can create ugliness in you if you let it. Fight hard to work through those feelings. Last year, I was so upset (in general, not at him) when my toddler accidentally deleted the last voicemail my dad had ever left me when I was dealing with Lincoln's health issues. I could not recover it, though I tried, and I felt sick to my stomach. But time does heal, in its own way and I can still hear him, for he was never a man of many words anyway. I have blogged before about things that change you, such as death, major health issues, life in general ... and I know first hand that opinions and your outlook on life do change with these major events. Grief is one aspect of life that increases our awareness to all things, and makes us prioritize the important. Life is precious. Cherish it. One thing I am proud of is my heart has grown. I love bigger, I am confident in who I am, my heart beats with hope and I am healthier for my family. A quote by Rose Kennedy states, "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." I appreciate her outlook because the pain does lessen, but the scar will always remain if you truly loved someone.
I read a very interesting article recently about losing a father. It shared how cultures handle the loss differently, how people don't remember words in the moment but they remember kindness and many other details. One thing I found intriguing that the article wrote about was after losing your father you view your mother and siblings from a different angle. A strong woman beside a man may now appear weak, or a timid mother may now appear strong in his absence. The list went on and on and obviously is dependant on the relationship two individuals had. It also touched on how siblings and individuals or friends view the man differently, what I remember may not be how my sisters saw my father and their memories may feel distant to me. Individuals feel guilt over conversations missed, time spent together and some harbor regrets. I had never thought about these things before in the way the article presented them, but I believe all of the above is true. My father loved my family and because we all had our own unique relationships with him it only makes sense that we grieve him and move on with our lives differently.
As another year has come and gone, most days it seems as though 3 years was a lifetime ago. I have changed and I can embrace that. And yet, I have moments where the tears fall and on those days I feel like it was just yesterday I received the news. There is no rhyme or reason to grief. What I do know is I have a choice. While I miss him daily, I choose to celebrate him and all that he stood for. His faith, his loyalty, his friendship and guidance. If you knew my father take a moment with me to remember an incredible man. While I know he was not perfect, because no one is, I have no problem stating I thought the world of him. Heaven became more beautiful the day he died, and his imprint on my heart will never fade. As I raise my son to remember a man he met only as a baby, I will teach him through my memories and photos about the love of my father -- and his legacy of love unending.
