Dear Dad,
The sun is coming up as I sit on the patio this morning thinking of you. It is a chilly fifty degrees, yet the air is crisp and clean. Snuggled under a blanket with a strong cup of coffee, I feel content, grateful and miss you as always.
Lincoln is five now. Oh how you would love his strong personality! He is silly, smart and kind - with a lot of boy energy and sass - a handful for sure! We call him the master negotiator as everything needs just “5 more minutes or one more time”. This year has brought more conversations about you then years past, possibly because he is older, or perhaps kids in his class chat about their grandparents. He often tells me he misses his papa, or asks me when you are coming back. Most days I tell him a story or show him a photo like mom does when she visits, but some days I can barely handle the thought that the answer is never. He continues his conversation by talking about you being in heaven with his dog Boomer, and I smile at the thought, letting his imagination be free. Heaven is a complicated thing to explain to a five year old. I know he does not remember you, yet his little mind believes he does, and a part of me finds comfort in his innocence. I know you would love him, the way I love him, and the way you loved me.
So much has happened in the past five years, both good and bad, but one thing remains unchanged. I am proud to be your daughter. Someone once said to me, “you make your father seem too good to be true”. I felt hurt by the comment made years ago when I had just lost you, but today I smile and think, “maybe, but he was my dad so I can remember him however I want to!” I hope people hear praise, love and respect when I speak of you!!! To many who knew you, you were an acquantaince, a pastor, a friend, maybe some even disliked you …. but to your baby girl, you were so much more! So if I make you sound like a hero, a pillar of strength, and an amazing father - it is not because you were not flawed, after all you were human - but the unconditional love you had for me growing up gave me wings to be strong and independant, and to chase my dreams and fly. Not every little girl grows up with a good man in her life teaching her what it means to love and be loved. I know how blessed I was to have you as a role model in mine.
There are many things I learned from you. The range is broad - from the simplicity of tromping in the mud and feeding animals - to more serious things such as the importance of work ethic, character and having morals. Parenting is not easy, but I pray Lincoln always knows how much I love him, the way I always felt safe and secure because of you. Losing you broke me and brought me to my knees, but your memories save me and make me stand tall wanting you to still be proud of the daughter you raised. So today, while I miss you more than ever, I thank you for all you gave me and gave up for me over the years.
Love always,
Your Baby Girl
A Father’s Love
A father is RESPECTED because he give his children leadership
APPRECIATED because he gives his children care
VALUED because he gives his children time
LOVED because he gives his children the one thing
they treasure most - HIMSELF
If you are reading this I want to share that grief is a never ending journey. There are people who tell you how to grieve, books that go over the stages, how to manage grief, and helpful hints of who to talk too, but I want you to know that grief is unique for everyone. There is not one right way to go through the process. Be patient, give yourself time and grace as you grieve. These are a few things I experienced personally that I wish someone could have told me:
No matter how prepared you think you are for the possibility of death, you will still feel the loss deeply - and it may temporarily bring you to your knees. I will never forget where I was when I received the call, that moment changed life forever. You are not alone. Lean on those who offer support.
There will be pressure from others to move on, you may even wish this for your own family, but it is not that simple. Grief is messy! When the world moves on without you like your loss never happened, remember grief is a necessary process.
Time does not heal all wounds. Memories soften the pain and the wound may change, but the scar will always be present if you loved someone. Wounds present differently in everyone.
People will say stupid, hurtful things without realizing it. “God is in control”, “everything happens for a reason”, “he lived a good life” (insert other examples here). Death makes people uncomfortable, and it comes across in awkward ways. Let those interactions go and try not to hold a grudge. In most cases people care but do not know how to show it. If they have never experienced a loss personally, they will not be able to understand yours. It is also ok to ask them not to say those things regardless of the truth they may hold and explain it does the exact opposite of comforting someone, it creates anxiety and anger.
While I have no regrets, I still wish for more time. I feel cheated. You might feel this way too and its ok. If you have regrets, forgive yourself and let them go, you cannot change the past.
Big life events and milestones will forever be triggers. Birthdays, weddings, holidays, children - whatever it may be - honor that person with memories and continue to keep living.
Sometimes the people you think will always be there for you are not, and the people you never expected will be your biggest support. I experienced this personally and it hurts. However, it is a blessing in disguise, I learned that the people I want in my life are the people that want to be there through the good and the bad and that do not bail when the rollercoaster heads downhill at full speed. Life is hard! Surround yourself with like minded individuals.
One day you will feel fine, maybe even for months and then you hear a song, see a movie, or think of a memory and you will cry. It might be a few tears that glisten your cheek, or it may be ugly sobs that take your breath away. It is ok to cry.
Do not let anyone change the way you feel about the person you lost. If they were everything to you, it does not matter if others agree or not! (this goes for extended family as well — do not be surprised if they do not fully understand your loss and if family gatherings feel different).
Find yourself. Grief will change you, whether you want it to or not. It will break you. Then one day you will realize that you still have passion and purpose and grief will strengthen you. Honor the person you lost by continuing to live. Do not be afraid to grow and step into unfamiliar territory as you rise.